I have LOVED being Brody and Dylan's mom. In fact, I loved it so much that when they turned 1 I was ready to have more. Michael and I would even dream about how triplets would be. I had always wanted the kids to be close.
May 2009-We begin trying. It took us 9 months to get pregnant with the boys so I was anticipating a long wait this time. I NEVER ANTICIPATED THIS.
Dec. 2009-I am 2 weeks late. I'm never late. Ever. It's actually Christmas Eve. I thought how precious would it be for the boys to come down Christmas Morning with BIG BROTHER shirts on?! So, I brought 2 Big Brother Shirts on Christmas Eve.
WE NEVER WORE THESE SHIRTS.
I just sold them in the consignment sale in 2012.
Letting go.
Jan. 2010- I call for an appointment with my OB/GYN. I have to wait until June.
My cycle is getting a little off.
Mar. 2010- My cycle is back like clockwork.
We are still dreaming of that sweet baby.
June 2010- FINALLY see the OB/GYN!
Begin the MULTITUDE of test.
No cervical cancer.
No diabetes.
More test.
Started to gain weight. 5lbs.'
July 2010-Blood work still not showing what is up.
More test.
August 2010- Still testing.
Sept. 2010- Still testing.
October 2010- Blood work shows that my thyroid is a little low.
Labeled Hypothyroid.
Begin Medication.
Weight is up more. ugh. I am working out all the time!
Dec. 2010- Still no baby.
And I have now gained almost 20lbs.
WHAT GIVES? I am doing everything the exact same?!
Feb. 2011- Feeling REALLY BAD-hot flashes, faint, nausea....
Could. I . Be Pregnant?
NO.
Thyroid has now swung the other way.
Stop Medication.
Make an appointment with an Endocrinologist.
April 2011- Endocrinologist appointment.
More test.
Little listening.
Back on same thyroid medication.
Weight gain advice- Eat less. Work out more.
Really?! So basically eat nothing because I am doing WW and not losing much.
May 2011- Period is late again.
Have the Endo test my blood for pregnancy while he's testing the thyroid.
His nurse is mean and ugly to me.
I'm not pregnant.
And I HATE PREGNANCY TEST. They make me really sad.
Crazy weird joint stiffness.
Hmm.
June 2011- I begin to have the hot flashes, dizziness, ect.
I stop the medication and make an appointment to see another Endocrinologist in Dallas.
August 2011- Lots of Listening at the Dallas Endocrinologist.
I have Hashimotos' Thyroiditis. An Autoimmune Disease so it won't just get better an go away.
Messes with weight, fatigue, and fertility.
I have Androgen Excess Syndrome.
Something that makes you lose hair-yes I'm balding. Middle weigh gain-I have a massive tummy. And jacks with your fertility.
I have a severe Vitamin D deficiency.
Almost excited to have answers.
But there will be no baby until my thyroid levels out.
And this Androgen thing? What does that mean?
Here's 5 pills to take.
PS. Insurance doesn't cover. A Nice $1270 investment in my health.
October 2011- My hands are really aching. My knees ache. I have a lot of stiffness in my shoulders.
I'm 30. Why do I feel like I'm 60.
Weight is still coming. Surrendering to fatness.
Dallas Endo thinks there is a possibility of RA.
Thyroid is shrinking! goiter is smaller. Fatigue is better.
Weight is not.
There is still not a baby.
In fact, not even a glimmer in my eye.
Arthritis? Another forever illness?
I am so over being sick.
I just miss that girl that could take care of 2 babies, work a full time job, be a minister's wife, and workout and look like it.
February 2012-Thyroid is almost better.
I have a lot of symptoms of PCOS, but not yet ready to label it that.
Start another medication for insulin resistance.
See the Rheumatologist.
Arthritis at 30.
I have symptoms of all the ones in that family.
And it isn't just joint aches.
It causes internal inflammation in all sorts of the body.
Not just achy joints.
And currently I am in a flare up or it is getting worse.
I am not taking anything for any of this because we are STILL waiting for that baby.
Mar. 2012
I can't help but feel like I need to mourn.
I have lost who I was.
I will never be that girl in the home movies and pictures that was so energized, fit, and healthy.
I am swollen, on all sorts of medications (9 currently), and feeling broken.
That hope for a baby is so far away I can't even see any light at the end of the tunnel.
I am broken.
I work really hard to not let this win. I have worked really hard to not let this change me.
I need to let the old me go.
I need to figure out who I am going to be as a mother and wife with these chronic illnesses and diseases.
The logical part of me needs to let our baby go.
But,
I just can't do that, yet.
7 comments:
I am still praying, friend. Now I will add prayers for HEALING to prayers for a baby. It's okay to hold on to hope. I am! I love you!
Oh, Leah, I did not realize you had so much going on. I am so sorry. I will be praying for you; for your health to improve and for you to have that sweet baby you so desire.
Sweet Leah!! You. Can. Do. It. So thankful for your patient, God-trusting example.
Oh my goodness, girl! I didn't know about these issues! I will certainly be praying for you! And I see you're moving?! I used to live in Hope, AR! It's pretty up there!
Leah- in a lot of ways, I completely understand what you're going through. It's so hard! Praying for you all the time. Praying the Lord fill you with HOPE, healing, and bless you with the desire of your heart.
Oh Leah, I'm so so sorry. I will pray for healing and for peace. This sounds really similar to what my mom has been going through. They diagnosed her with lupus a while back, which is also an auto-immune disorder. She has a lot of joint pain and lost her hair. If you ever want to talk to her, just send her an email maryamahaffey (at) gmail (dot) com.
In other news, CONGRATS on Michael's new job and your new adventure in ministry! I hope it will be a smooth and energizing transition for you and your family.
Leah, I am thinking about you and praying so hard. I can't even imagine how hard this must be and how empty you must feel. I keep trying to believe that their is still hope and that you will be more of yourself soon and that you will have a baby in your arms. We do not know the plan that lies ahead. I will continue to say many prayers, my friend. I wish peace in your heart.
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